Meeting the Shadow

Shadow Work in the Goidelic Traditions

In today’s culture, the term “shadow work” has a different definition moment to moment. And while it often seems that we’re talking about the same thing, everyone also has a different way to get there according to their own culture, group customs, and needs. For the purposes of this conversation, “shadow work” refers to the need to address the parts of our own self that we either don’t want to acknowledge, or through trauma, suppression, conditioning, or any other reason, are unable to acknowledge. That is a serious overgeneralization but will certainly suffice for this particular read. So why is shadow work necessary, and what does it entail? 

I think it’s important here to pause and give a quick disclaimer: None of this is a substitute for therapy, or medication if you need it. If you aren’t making your own brain chemicals, storebought is fine. Therapy is helpful and can be lifesaving. In my experience, therapy and shadow work has given me the most benefit when used together. I have also found medications helpful at times. Additionally, this work can be done both on my experiences and trauma in the now, and any past lives I might have access to. And while I will list publications I have found exceptionally useful, this is by no means a comprehensive list. In the end, it’s important to find what works for you, whether that is professional help, deep meditations on your own, community support, or a combination of these and/or something completely different.

In our tradition, and speaking to my own particular ritual group, shadow work is an ongoing effort. We recognize that there are always shadows in our Selves, and we strive to see those shadows and acknowledge them. Sometimes they can be dealt with swiftly. Sometimes they take longer. But the danger of the shadow is that it presents an exceptionally easy opening in our wards that leaves us vulnerable to outside influences. A slip in through unaddressed shadow can do incalculable damage before it is caught if we’re not careful. A ritual working done in concert with our shadow can have serious though unintended consequences. And how, exactly, does one ward against oneself? Particularly if the structures we create to keep us safe are letting in entities that promise that very safety, even if our conscious self would not trust that entity at all? Unfortunately, the answer is that we cannot ward against ourselves and still continue to be functional as practitioners or spirit workers. Thus addressing what we’re labeling our “shadow” is necessary—for our safety and the safety of others around us. So how do we do that?

We start with an awareness of our own self. We learn our reactions, and keep a close eye on how we react to things as we move through the world. Generally speaking, this is an unconscious part of our life. As we react to things, we keep on going. There’s no real time to stop and analyze every reaction we have. If we see a red light and stop our car, we do not need to do shadow work about this, nor analyze why we thought to react this way every time we do this incredibly reasonable, normal thing. However, sometimes we have reactions that we don’t necessarily appreciate or like. Someone cuts us off in traffic, and our first instinct is rage. Someone says something innocuous to us, and our first reaction is tears, or terror, or anger. That’s when the need for shadow work is evident. This is not limited to the “negative” emotions either—every emotion has its place, but personally I start with emotions that surprise or startle me—either with their existence or their intensity. Why, when someone said something cruel to me, did I respond by trying to placate them, for example? Diplomacy may not be a “negative” reaction, but is it how I want to respond to someone who hurts me?

Once I’ve identified the issue that needs work, I open the shadow work by sitting with the situation, my reaction, and the emotions that come up from that. I start by feeling through the emotion, whatever it is. All emotions are valid, even if they’re not right. Even if—perhaps especially if—I don’t want them to inform my behaviors. My goal is to sit with the emotion and just feel it. Acknowledge the feeling, feel it in my body, accept that I truly feel that way. In a world where we’re often taught to suppress any emotion we don’t like, or that isn’t socially acceptable, this is a powerful act of healing in and of itself. If that’s the thing that lets the knot in your chest (or wherever you feel it) go away? Great! Acknowledge it. Breathe it out. Let it go. Well done, you. 

After that is the more challenging part—figuring out why I reacted the way I did. Who taught me to be like that? Where did my reaction come from? How was I conditioned? Sometimes there’s an obvious answer. If I react to someone’s negative opinion of me by fawning, is it possible I was trained by a narcissist from an early age? Sometimes though, there’s not a good answer at all. Or at least, not an easily identifiable one. What then? 

Every tradition has some form of meditation or journeying. In this case, we journey into the self. Sit in the space that is comfortable for you. Some of us prefer the dark for this work, others the light, others that gray liminal space. Find the time that is right for you. Some of us do this work perpetually, and time hardly matters. Others find resting between rounds of this work is necessary, and that’s okay too. Everyone does this at their own pace, in their own place – but it’s important to actually do this work. If your meditation is best done on the move, then intentionally find what movement puts you in that mindset and sit with yourself energetically. Explore your inner self to find the voice – or voices – that are having the reaction. 

Some people find this is an actual meeting of self—where they meditate, they find a representation or version of themself. Sometimes it’s just sitting with the thoughts that come and evaluating them. Others find previous versions of themselves—either from this life, or prior lives if you’re someone who believes in the transmigration of the soul. I’ve heard these labeled with names from prior lives, or in this life with names of their own that represent different phases of life, different personalities or identities, or things like “my inner teenager” and “my inner child.” Any or all of these can exist at the same time. And sometimes you’ll find multiple iterations of yourself having these same feelings that need to be examined and integrated and addressed in different ways. 

That starts with a conversation. Ask this version of yourself why they’re feeling this way. Remember that our shadows aren’t a repository for everything negative in the world—often, they’re a protective wall between us and damage or trauma we’ve sustained in our life (or lives). If they’re trying to protect us, it’s important to honor that work even if the way they’re doing it isn’t something we agree with. We might need to teach them that whatever they’re doing is not something we do here. But before we can even get to that, acknowledge that they are trying to defend us from danger, whether real or perceived. 

Then the tricky part—convincing the self that is protecting you that you are in fact capable of protecting yourself from whatever danger or threat exists. This might be a multi-conversation process, or it might be able to be handled quickly. Still, walking through how you will protect yourself from harm consciously often lets this protective shadow rest. You may need to go through why they’re feeling threatened or uncomfortable. What danger exists. Is it a danger you know about, acknowledge, accept? If it’s not acceptable to part of you, then you’ll need to come up with coping mechanisms or protective mechanisms that you can consciously engage.

Once you’ve done that and you’re back in control of your reactions, the final part is to choose how you want to move through the world. We can’t always choose that first instinctive reaction, but we can choose what we do about it, how we act, and how other people experience us. If I could give an exact step by step template for this part, I absolutely would. Unfortunately, healing is individual to each person and varies, situation by situation. And it may take time to prove to that self of yours that handling it the way you choose is the better way. If they’re skeptical but willing to try, great! If not, more conversation may be needed.

When I first started using this method, I used it on what I thought were low-stakes things. Why did I fly into a rage when someone cut me off in traffic? Why did it take me hours to really move on from it? First, I had to acknowledge that I really did fly into an absolute rage when someone cut me off. It was, I felt, ridiculous. But instead of suppressing it I sat with the feeling. Let myself experience it. And then I accepted that in that moment that’s how I truly felt. 

Next I meditated on why. “Because people are rude,” was the first thing I thought, but that was a distraction. That wasn’t why I reacted that way, it was focusing the problem on someone else. People choose other actions for whatever reason, but why was my reaction so severe? In the end, I came up with a lot of reasons—but the top two were the ones I needed to address. I was constantly in a hurry because I overscheduled myself, and at risk of upsetting my schedule for the least interruption, like having to brake too hard. Deeper than that, it felt like someone telling me how much more important they were than me. Like many AFAB folks, I’d spent my whole life being taught by society that everyone’s needs and agendas were more important than mine, and I was sick of it. This was a way to get out some of that unexpressed anger and frustration in safety—after all, no one was in my car with me, right? There were other reasons too, but that one about feeling unheard and silenced and like everyone’s needs were ahead of mine? That was the big one.

Then I needed to sit with myself more. I started listing out all the ways I was being silenced. All the unexpressed needs I had. All the things I wanted to say but constantly repressed—society had taught me that even in the absence of someone else actively silencing me, I needed to silence myself. The most effective oppression is done by convincing people to continue the oppression on themselves. It’s a self-sustaining system! From there, I started working on ways to express myself and be authentic in my life. Ways to speak up, ways to end my own silence and meet my own needs. Somewhere along the way, I stopped getting the severe road rage. Mostly. It’s not completely perfect – shadow work rarely is – but unless I’m in a hurry already, I just laugh when people cut me off. Who has time to be mad about it? Not me, that’s for sure.

As you become more aware of your shadows and your unconscious responses, you’ll be able to be more whole in yourself. When you’re aware of your shadow, it’s far more difficult for someone to use that to manipulate you. If I know I have issues around being silenced, I’m more aware of my reactions when someone is trying to silence me – or is trying to manipulate me into feeling silenced, whether or not that’s objectively true. Being aware of my triggers makes me less likely to lash out, because I can see myself triggered and remove myself from the situation or control my own reactions. But it also makes me more aware when someone is trying to trigger me for their own ends. 

As a polytheistic pagan in the Goidelic traditions, how do I include all of this with my practice? Well for me, if I’m struggling with a particular emotion, or if I can’t figure out the root cause of the problem, I start talking to An Dagda. He’s a God of deep emotion, and he’s very skilled at helping me through that process. There are others I can talk to as well and do, depending on the situation and the nature of the work I’m doing. The Tuatha Dé Danann as a whole have been very open to working with me through this process. I like talking to Lir as well, whose emotional depths are as great as the Sea itself. Regardless of who you choose, going to the Gods is a common way to work through some of these things. Perhaps your own will be similar, or your guides, or the spirits of the land on which you live. Each one will have their own unique lessons and ways to guide, but it’s all valuable and it’s all a way to work through it and come to a healthier and more whole understanding of who we are. 

Regardless of who you work with, or how you choose to do your shadow work, I cannot emphasize enough the need to actually do it. We cannot control how other people go through life, and no amount of shadow work will stop people from occasionally getting their messy and unhealed emotions and issues all over us. As we go deeper in our own Work, it is important to know our own vulnerabilities and weaknesses; shoring them up or at very least being aware of them will make us safer, whatever Work we’re doing. After all, we can only decide how we’re going to behave; we can’t force other people to behave the way we think they should. And if you think you can? Maybe you should do some shadow work about it. 

Helpful publications:
The Loving Parent Guidebook (ACA)
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay Gibson
The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Many Lives, Many Masters, by Brian L. Weiss